At Culture Amp, one of our company values is, “Have the courage to be vulnerable.” One way we put this into practice is a rite of passage for our new Campers – telling a joke at their first all-hands meeting.
We’ve been graced with our fair share of ‘dad’ jokes, so-bad-they’re-good puns, knock-knock jokes and even some moments of pure stand-up comedy. In 2017, over 90 new Campers joined us across our three groups – Customer, Org, and Product – and we thought we’d share the laughter with you.
Read on, and take your favorite joke to dazzle your coworkers.
Oh, if you’d like to join our funny crew, we’re hiring.
New Customer Group Campers
We operate within a team-based structure, and our customer group is responsible for finding, winning and keeping customers. Teams within this group include Marketing, Sales, Outreach and more.
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
(insert: you saying “R”)
You’d think it’d be the “R” but it’s the “C.”
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a………… pint of beer please.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
The bear replies, “Well, I’ve always had em!”
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
Had enough funny business?
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What do you call someone who doesn’t like carbs?
A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.
He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.
“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.”
He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper?
He wanted to live in the present.
What does a house wear?
Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for his Easter Break.
When he returns to California his friend says to him, “Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?”
To which Arnie replied [in Arnie voice]: “Oh it was terrible! My father he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite generally we all had an awful day.”
His colleague then says, “Oh Arnie that’s no good at all, I’m sorry to hear! Does that mean you don’t love easter anymore?”
Arnie [Very important to read in Arnie voice]: “Oh no of course not – I still love easter, baby.”
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the man. The owner says “Well the parrot knows how to use a computer.”
The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs $2,000 dollars.
Needless to say this begs the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies,
“To be honest I have never seen it do anything but the other two call him boss!”
What did the full glass say to the empty glass?
You look drunk.
What’s a potato’s favorite form of transportation?
The gravy train
Stephanie B/Namibia L (Product)
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, they just waved.
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
Because to them… love means NOTHING!
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they could spend years at C.
Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom?
Because he was a fun-ghi.
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
What do diapers and politicians have in common?
They both stink and need to be changed often.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Why didn’t the bike want to go anywhere?
Because it was two-tired!
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?”
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
Knock knock (who’s there?)
To (to who?)
It’s “to whom.”
Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!
Want to hear a pizza joke?
Nahhh, it’s too cheesy!
Why are chemists great at solving problems?
Because they have all of the solutions!
What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear?
Denim, denim, denim
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there!
Why can’t Chuck Norris use the internet?
Because he won’t submit.
What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeńo business.
Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
Honestly, between you and me something smells.
Jeanne D/Sanjay M
A string walks into a bar and the bartender goes, “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.” The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.
The bartender looks at him and goes, “Hey, aren’t you that string I turned away before?” and the string goes, “Nope! I’m a frayed knot!”
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
Because he was out standing in his field!
What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller?
How does Lady Gaga like her steak?
Kealan H/Julie H (Product)
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Why did the developer go broke?
Because he used up all his cache.
What do you call a deer that can’t see? “No eye deer”
What do you call a deer that can’t see and has no legs? “Still no eye deer”
What do you call a deer that can’t see, has no legs, and just got hit by a car? Still no bloody eye deer.
I‘ve spent the last five months traveling so, rather than tell a joke I thought I’d tell a story about one of the people I met.
So I’m in Cambodia, chilling at the beach and meeting people, as you do, chatting away and drinking. One of the guys I meet is Jurgen. He’s as wide as he is tall and he has this fantastic big belly that sticks out like a barrel. But that’s not what stands out about Jurgen. No, what stands out, is the enormous tattoo that he has written across his torso, over his belly. Five letters. One word. PIZZA.
So as we’re drinking away and getting to know each other, my mind keeps wandering back to the tattoo. What’s the significance of it…What does it mean? Does it represent his social commentary on the state of the world? Is it a pet name? And the longer we sit there drinking, the more determined I am to work it out. So eventually, after a lot of beers, I pipe up the question.
“Can I ask a question?”
“Of course you can Dan”
“What does the Pizza tattoo mean… Is it a childhood nickname? Does it have some kind of symbolic or deeper meaning?”
And Jurgen puts down his beer and looks and me and just says
“No, I just love Pizza.”
New Org Group Campers
Members of our Org Group are responsible for building the company, shaping the employee experience, and supporting Customer & Product. Teams in this group include People & Experience, Finance, and Legal.
A man goes to the zoo. There’s only ONE exhibit in the entire zoo.
It was a Shih Tzu.
If Bert Newton was a butcher…how would he introduce his wife?
I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
Why does a Chicken Coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it’d be a Chicken Sedan!
What do you call a bear with no teeth
A gummy bear!
Why should you wear glasses to maths class?
Because it helps with division.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. A house doesn’t jump at all!
Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar?!
Well, he got 12 months!
What’s the difference between a well-dressed cyclist and a scruffy guy on a tricycle? A tire.
New Product Group Campers
You guessed it, Campers in the product group are tasked with building the Culture Amp platform. This group includes teams like Front End, Share & Act, Security, and Product Marketing. They’ve built all of our surveys, like employee engagement and employee effectiveness.
I don’t have a joke, instead I’m going to tell you my favorite animal fact. Did you know that ants are the only animals that don’t get sick? It’s true! It’s because they have little antibodies.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Michael B/Oscar T (Customer)
I was at the park wondering why this frisbee kept getting bigger… and then it hit me.
Why it is hard for a communist to tell a joke?
It’s not funny until everyone gets it.
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter
I was told that I needed to come up with a joke for this thing, and I’ve always been one of those people who messes up the punchline, so I figured I should probably prepare for it.
So I went to a bookshop and found a good joke book, to try and get some inspiration, or just plain steal a joke to use.
When I got home, I realized I’d accidentally bought a thesaurus. As you can understand, I was pretty crushed… upset… disappointed… vexed… disconcerted.
Once there was a man who went to an exotic country and came across a stall selling handmade handheld fans. He asked for the prettiest and longest-lasting one and the owner charged him a whopping $1,000! After using it the first time, it broke so he took it back for a refund.
The owner listened to the complaints and finally asked him how he used the fan. The man demonstrated flapping the fan as one would normally do.
Then the owner said, “Ah! No wonder! You have been using the fan wrong. This is the way to use it.”
Then, he held the fan, and frantically moved his head left and right.
A designer walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type in here.”
A product manager walks into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, no drinks, but we’ll consider adding them later.”
A drunk Elm programmer walks into the bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve dysfunctional programmers.”
Finally, a QA engineer walks into the bar, orders a beer, ten beers, 2.5 million beers, a dog, and leaves without paying.
What’s Forrest Gump’s email password?
When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals.
She responded, “No, I just really hate vegetables.”
Did you know that the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is only ever a whim away? A whim away… a whim away…
And God said to John, “Come forth and you shall receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Teacher: ” Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
*Nobody stands up *
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!”
*Little Johnny stands up *
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… I just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”
My housemate is a huge Richmond Tigers fan. Now the Richmond Football Club in Melbourne hadn’t been in the grand final since 1982 (way before she was born) so this was a big deal for her.
Unfortunately, she hadn’t expected them to make it to the grand finals (after all, they never had made it in her life so far) so when she was planning her wedding she had picked that same spring afternoon.
Devastated as she realized she couldn’t possibly do both, she resigned herself to making the difficult choice, the only choice, and posted on Facebook “If anyone would like to take my place this Saturday, 2 pm at St Mark’s Chapel, let me know.”
Why did the ghost go to rehab?
He was addicted to boos.
Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling.
What does a vegan zombie like to eat?
Jaime T /Kristina L (Customer)
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Have you heard about the band 1023MB?
It’s probably because they haven’t got a gig yet…
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
Why did the car get a flat tire?
Because there was a fork in the road!
An Italian businessman goes to Indonesia for a business trip. He hates Indonesian food, so he asked the concierge in his hotel, “Is there any restaurant where I can find Italian food here?” The concierge says, “You’re lucky sir, a new pizza restaurant just opened and they deliver.” The businessman asks for the restaurant’s number, goes back to his room and orders the pizza.
30 minutes later, the delivery person shows up with the pizza. He takes the pizza and eats it. Suddenly he’s sneezing uncontrollably and shouting to the delivery person, “What did you put on this pizza?!”
The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put exactly what you ordered on the phone, sir. It’s pepper only”
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. The Empire State building can’t jump.
Why don’t scientists trust Atoms?
They make up everything.
Why didn’t the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10?
I asked him and he said, “I still love vista, baby.”
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Two whales walk into a pub.
They take a seat at the bar and the first one turns to the bartender and says:
The second one turns to the first and says, “Shut up Fred, you’re drunk.”
What do you call a dinosaur with only one eye?
Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. One friend turns to the other and says, “Let’s go get a drink, there’s this new place that does THE best punch you’ll ever drink.”
So they make their way to the bar and walk straight up to the bartender “Bartender, two glasses of your best punch please.”
The bartender replies in a stern voice, “If you want some punch you’re gonna have to get in line like everybody else.”
The friends turn and look around but there’s no punch line…
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